Jan. 13, 2005 - 6:12 p.m.
Ray LaMontagne - "Trouble"
I learned a few things today. First I learned that like myself, my daughter enjoys cinnamon graham cracker sticks dipped in coffee. I also learned...that I am apparently a complete fucking idiot!
Well I'm not positive about the latter, but even if I am not a certifiable idiot, I at least feel like one lately. So here it is, I'm reading my diaries as usual, and I come across blueavenue's wonderful entry - go on, go read it, I'll wait.
Yes, there it is, the whole "HJNTITY" issue is rearing it's ugly head once again. As you might remember I wrote about this phenomenon a little while back after seeing the author on Oprah. Well today I read this wonderful entry by blueavenue and once again I'm stunned.
See, I'm still not 100% sure that I believe in all of it, but everything that she said makes sense. Especially this:
"I am the girl who is always chasing after the unchaseable. The guys who will never be caught. It's a subconscious thing, I think: picking the unattainable ones repeatedly, because I know there's no chance of really getting hurt."
HELLO?? This is totally me and I just never saw it before. But what you might ask has brought me to think about this issue all over again?
He's blogging.
The x that is. No big deal right? I don't expect to be told about everything he does. I found it by accident, we via his other website anyway. I mean I could care less, right? Blog! By all means, everyone blog. He's a good writer, interesting life, etc. The problem?
He's blogging away and I haven't heard from him in a WEEK! Nothing, nada, zilch. He has no time to respond to my emails, but time enough to fucking BLOG???!!!
I know this shouldn't make me angry or upset. I have no claim on him in anyway. But it does make me upset and angry! I realize that he's going through some shit right now. Without saying to much, he has a relative in the hospital. I know that sucks, and he told me about that last week and said because of it he was kind of "out of commission" as he puts it. Fine, I accept. But when you have time enough to write to anonymous people but not enough time to write me back, when all I am asking is how he's doing - can you all hear the bells going off in my head right now??
I just don't understand this situation at all! I mean it's all hot and cold. He wants to talk, he doesn't want to talk, he wants to see me, but I haven't seen him in months, I ask if he doesn't want to see/talk to me, he says no he's just got too much going on, etc. I have been trying so hard to believe him this entire time. To keep the faith, to say that he wouldn't lie to me, that he wouldn't string me along for no reason. Because in the past he (at least I thought) was always a very honest person with me.
But what do I do? Confront him with all this, or just wait it out and see how long it takes him to come to me? Although I am essentially a non-confrontational person, who avoids such hellish things at all costs, I am more prone to rattle off a long, accusatory email and see where that gets me. But I'm not sure that's the way to go. I've also contemplated calling him tomorrow if I still haven't heard from him. But the chances I actually get ahold of him at work are never very good since he's never in his office.
So I'm stuck. The thing that really bugs me is the WHY...why drag me along like this if he had no intentions of ever having it go any further than these stupid fucking emails? I realize that I am a sensitive person and that gets me in trouble because it actually always leads to me being more hurt. Because when people know you are sensitive, they try even harder to avoid hurting you, but eventually they do and when you find you the blow is ten times greater. And we are talking about someone who has known me since I was 19. So if anyone knows how sensitive I am, he probably does.
I know he at least cares about me enough not to want to hurt me....which scares the living shit out of me, because I think it might mean that he's never going to tell me he doesn't want anything between us again. He'll just keep putting me off because he doesn't want to crush me, and because he knows what a little puppy dog I am and that I have put him on this pedestal which doesn't allow me to look down on him in anyway.
I know the whole concept of "HJNTITY" is about not wanting to be with anyone who doesn't truly want you anyway. But I'm so fucking stubborn that even though it makes sense...I still can't accept it. Why am I so dense? Why do I punish myself like this?
Exactly as the quote from blueavenue says, I think I am always searching for the unnattainable guy or unreasonable relationship because the chances of getting hurt are nil if you can't catch them. I've done it my entire dating life truth be told.
Even the ones that I did catch were never right for me.
The thing I wonder is why he doesn't choose to pursue this. I know there are the technical things, such as my real relationship, and other obstacles. But when you really want to be with someone, no obstacles stand in your way. Actually, they do but you at least attempt to tackle them.
I have a theory - age. We are not talking about some other mid-twenties person here. We're talking about someone who is 13 years older than me. It's something that always bothered him more than me. I don't have any problem with it. But I think he does.
Because as they said once on Sex and The City - "on paper" we're golden. Same likes, dislikes, personality stuff...but it goes further than that because it's more than just on paper that things were good between us.
God this is so infuriating. I don't know what the hell I'm even doing anymore.
In other news, I don't know about Photo yet. The class is full and he can't let anyone else in unless someone drops. I have a friend in the class who has a friend that might drop, who she's trying to get in touch with so that if she does decide to drop, I can take her spot, cause there were 4 people there for overrides today. As a bonus however, if I don't get into the class, the lit class that I will be taking instead seems pretty cool.
